Scottish Joke
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’
And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .
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A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him.
She asks, “Would you like some food? “The Scot hoarsely croaks, “Och, lassie, I havna’ ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!” She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.
When he has choked it down, she asks, “Would you like something to drink?” “Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!” She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.
The Scotsman is beginning to think that he’s in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, “Would you like to play around?”
“Och, lassie, don’t tell me ye’ve got a golf course here too!”
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Rangers manager Dick Advocaat has been caught speeding in Glasgow.
The Dutchman was doing 56mph in a 30 zone.
He is quoted as being very upset about the 60 fine but at the same time
He was delighted with the three points.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a noisy, smoky pub full of people. The Englishman declares, “The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free!” Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Irishman says, “That’s quite a good tale, but in Ireland you can buy one drink and get another TWO for free.” Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Scotsman says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as great as the ones in Scotland. Why, in Scotland you can buy one pint, get another THREE for free, and then get taken into the back room for a shag!”
The Englishman says, “I say! Did that happen to you?” and the Scotsman
replies, “Noo, but it happened to ma sister.”
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“A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’…perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well,noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said,
“Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
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