Offensive Jokes
Being English, I, along with most of my fellow countrymen, deal with tragedy and adversity in a unique way.
After something terrible has happenned, usually on a national level, we begin circulating very poor taste jokes.
Now, I was wondering weather anyone could remember the most tasteless jokes they’ve ever heard.
If so, stick ‘em here, along with the cultural reference, and we can all laugh/wince/pretend-to-be-above-it-all at them!
I’ll start the ball rolling with a joke I received via text about the time all the Michael Jackson revalations were hitting the papers:
“What’s worse than than having Michael Jackson babysit your kids?
Having Ian Huntley bath them.”
Ooof!
The Flemster.
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A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. “I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!”. Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:”Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I’ll get the manager as soon as I can.”
When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:” Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?”
“Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here.”
The bloke retorts:”Screw you anus features. Where’s the fucking piano?”
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
“You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where’s the twatting piano?”
“Ah”, says the manager, “you’ve come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper.”
“Too fucking right”, came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. “Can you play any blues?”
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. “That’s superb”, gasps the manager. “What’s it called?”
“I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end”
The manager is a little perturbed. “Hmmm….well do you know any jazz?”
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
“What’s it called?”
“I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer”.
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. “Well do you know any romantic ballads?”
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. “That was fantastic”, crooned the manager. “What’s that one called?”, immediately wishing that he hadn’t asked.
“Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece”.
The manager finds the pianist’s language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting “Where the fuck is that pianist”. So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.
After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: “Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?”
“Know it”, replied the pianist, “I fucking wrote it!!”
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There s santa clause, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde they all jump off a roof, who hits the ground first ?
The dumb blonde, because a smart blonde and santa clause dont exist.
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While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer”,she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he enquires nervously.
“No,silly” she replies.
“Your boyfriend then?”
“No”,she replirs,snuggling up to him.
“Who is he then?”
“Thats me,before the operation!”
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A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any Bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any fucking bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any fucking bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!”
Duck says: “Got any nails?”
Barman says: “No”
Duck says: “Got any bread?
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